The Osculation Competition
by Daedaleopsis
Summary: Penny reluctantly agrees to judge which of the four guys is the best kisser. The results surprise everyone. (This is an AU one-shot [One. Shot. People. Read my lips.] that happens sometime between mid-season 1 and the end of season 2.


Penny breezed into the apartment next door. God help her, but after several weeks of getting the worst shifts at the Cheesecake Factory, she was actually looking forward to a Friday night spent eating free pizza and kicking the guy's butts at vintage video games. She entered the living room to find the guys in the midst of some sort of argument, not that that was anything new. They were probably debating some ridiculous detail of some comic book character that no one besides them ever heard of.

"Hey guys," she greeted them cheerily as she snagged a slice, ignoring Sheldon's glare as she began to scarf it down without the aid of a plate or napkin.

They were so absorbed in their discussion-all except Sheldon, she noticed, who was looking bored-that she got only the most perfunctory nods and greetings.

"There is no way you could score with the new admin," she heard Leonard say scornfully to Howard. "She's like four inches taller than you."

"Yeah, which makes her three inches taller than you," Howard retorted. "It's not size that matters, it's-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there before I suddenly get the urge to tie you in knots," Penny cut in. "What are you guys fighting about now?"

Raj got up and walked into the kitchen. Sheldon rolled his eyes. "What else? They are wasting their time and mine in their endless pursuit of coitus, in this instance with Gablehauser's new administrative assistant. Not to mention that said pursuit is entirely imaginary. None of them have so much as been able to say hello to her."

"I-I walked by her desk three times today," Leonard said belligerently. Penny hid her smile behind a napkin as she pretended to wipe her mouth, but secretly, she was glad Leonard was interested in someone besides herself. She often wondered if his interest in her extended any further than the fact that she was hot and lived right next door.

While the guys were talking, Raj had walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Removing a bottle of light beer, he twisted the top off and took a swig. Now he made his way back over to the living room. "None of you losers would even have a chance with her once she laid eyes on this mocha slice of paradise," he said, indicating himself with a sweeping gesture.

Leonard grinned smugly. "Howard refilled all those bottles you keep in the fridge with non-alcoholic beer," he said.

Raj opened his mouth, but all that came out was a squeak. He narrowed his eyes at Leonard and Howard, unable to tell if Leonard was lying but knowing that Leonard's point had been made either way. Without sneaking alcohol into his workplace, there was no way he could score with the new admin if he couldn't even talk to her.

"It doesn't matter anyway. None of us could even get to first base with a woman like that. She's even hotter than Penny," Howard said morosely but with a lecherous grin.

"Hey," Penny objected, more on the principle of the thing than from any actual offense. She hoped that maybe if Howard was distracted enough, he'd stop using all those atrocious pick-up lines on her.

"Gentlemen, it is now twelve minutes past the hour," Sheldon said severely. "Those twelve minutes, which you have spent in pointless and inane speculation, could have been put to much better use enjoying the timeless entertainment offered by Metroid Prime."

Penny snorted and rolled her eyes. Honestly, did the man ever listen to himself? He sounded like a prepubescent boy and often acted like one too.

Raj, who had retrieved a second bottle from the fridge and evidently had convinced himself that it was real so he could talk in front of Penny, spoke up. "We have to straighten this out first, or I won't be able to concentrate on the game." He looked over at Penny, and a crafty look came over his face. "She could settle this for us," he said.

Howard sat up eagerly. "What do you mean?"

"We ask Penny to decide which one of us is the hottest."

The woman in question snagged another slice of pizza. "That's easy. None of you."

"Obviously, it would be me," Leonard said, as if Penny hadn't spoken. "If we're talking about who's gotten to first base with Penny..."

She dropped her pizza onto a nearby plate and glared at Leonard. Maybe she would use her junior rodeo skills tonight after all.

"That's totally bogus. Penny was drunk and feeling like sloppy seconds after her ex crashed her party. It could have been any one of us. You just happened to get there first," Raj complained.

Howard stood up, hitching up his belt with an oversized Batman buckle. "Fine, we'll settle this like men," he said. "We'll have a kissing contest, and Penny can tell us which one of us is the best."

She took a menacing step toward Howard. "What the hell makes you think I would ever go along with that?"

"Fourteen hundred dollars."

Penny froze and turned slowly to stare at Sheldon in a state of utter shock. "What did you say?"

"Fourteen hundred dollars is my best estimate of your monthly rent and utilities. If you agree to arbitrate this ridiculous squabble, the matter will be decided and we can return to our vintage video games."

"Are you saying that you would pay me to decide which one of these guys is the best kisser?" Penny asked, her mind a whirl of confusion.

"No, we would each contribute an equal share," Sheldon said primly.

"Hell, I'm in," Howard cried eagerly, extracting his wallet with some difficulty from his skin-tight pants and throwing it down on the table.

"Me too," Raj cried gleefully. He pulled a fistful of twenties out of his pocket.

Penny's eyes grew wide as she saw the money. This is insane, she thought. They don't really think they could bribe me with... wait, how much were those Jimmy Choos I saw online? "Leonard, you aren't actually going to go along with this, are you?" Penny asked, turning to him pleadingly. Silently, she hoped he would just stand up and say that there was no way he was going to participate. Her resolve was wavering as she glanced back at the pile of money on the table. Her tips from waitressing had been so crappy lately that she was living off of popcorn, expired cheesecake, and whatever food she could mooch off the guys.

"Are you kidding? I'm a shoe-in," Leonard bragged. He disappeared into his room and came back a moment later with a pile of bills in his hand.

Desperately, Penny looked over at Sheldon and had a stroke of genius. "Ever heard of the saying, put your money where your mouth is? Well, if Sheldon's in, he's gotta put his mouth where his money is. He's gotta be part of it too."

"What?" Leonard cried.

"I beg your pardon?" Sheldon said stiffly.

Penny felt a wave of relief wash over her. There was no way Sheldon would ever agree to her terms, and then she would have a way out without feeling like she had sold her soul. That was exactly how she had felt after agreeing to do a topless scene in that low budget horror flick, and she had sworn to herself she would never do that again. Thank God that film had never been released. She couldn't imagine how dirty she would feel if anyone she knew ever saw it.

"See, guys? Sheldon would never do anything like that, so too bad-"

"Penny, I hope you are not attempting to renege the terms of the wager which you have just established," Sheldon said in a stern tone.

"Uh, nooo..." Penny drew the syllables out, trying to understand what exactly was happening here.

"I have already stated that I am willing to participate in the wager. If that means that I must also take part in a meaningless physical gesture, then so be it. I will provide mouthwash so that you can thoroughly sanitize your mouth between each contestant," Sheldon said firmly. He walked over to his figurine of Green Lantern and took it down off the shelf. After turning his back on his friends, he furtively removed several bills and then replaced the statue. He laid the money on the coffee table in a precise stack. "Proceed."

Penny stared at the money. In her mind, she weighed fourteen hundred dollars against having to kiss each of the guys in the room. She gazed at each of them in turn. "Oh hell, fine, I'll do it, but I have a few rules of my own. First of all, what happens in this apartment stays in this apartment. I find out any of you told any of your other, uh, people you know, and I will hunt you down and use your sorry ass for target practice. Second, no touching me anywhere below my shoulders, or I'll break your nose. That means you, Howard. And no tongue-period, end of story, try it and I will drop-kick you out the nearest window, Howard."

"Hey, why do you keep saying my name? What about them?" Howard complained.

"Same for them," Penny replied, smiling at them all a little evilly.

"I'm still going to win," Leonard muttered under his breath.

That was how just a few minutes later, Penny found herself sitting on a chair in Leonard's room (Howard had complained that if she was standing, she could instantly tell who was who just by height). She was also blindfolded with a black silky scarf that Sheldon had rummaged out from one of his bins of cosplay accessories. The nightstand had been pulled close to her chair, and the promised bottle of mouthwash was sitting on it with a small paper cup next to it. Sheldon had made her swear that she wouldn't drink out of the bottle, although she was pretty sure he was going to throw it away afterward just to be on the safe side.

She heard the door open, and tentative footsteps came near. "Hello?" Penny asked softly, then realized that whoever it was, they couldn't talk to her without revealing their identity. Her heart began to pound and her palms were sweating. Oh crap, this was such a bad idea. Why did I ever agree to do this? Penny thought. There was a light touch on her shoulder, and she was instantly relieved that she hadn't forbidden the guys to touch any part of her body. At least this way, she had some warning of what was coming. She heard a hitch in the man's breathing before he leaned in to kiss her with slightly too much pressure. She smelled wool and the heavy scent of a particular brand of hair gel, but she didn't need those olfactory cues to know it was Leonard. He tilted his head first one way and then the other until she pulled back just a little, signifying his turn was over. She heard a poorly-concealed sigh as he left the room.

Blindly, Penny reached over and opened the mouthwash bottle. She grabbed the paper cup by feel, but was then stymied by the problem of how to keep from spilling it when she couldn't see how much she had poured into the cup. Finally, she gave up and drank from the bottle. So what if Sheldon had been right about her all along?

The door opened again, and the floor creaked softly as the second contestant approached. As soon as he laid both hands caressingly on her shoulders, she knew it was Howard. Somehow, she wasn't surprised that he smelled faintly of brisket with a hint of fruit punch. Biting the inside of her lip, she waited while he mashed his wet lips against hers for several seconds. When he tried to nibble on her lower lip, she jerked her head forward, bashing him in the forehead. "Son of a..." he hissed under his breath and left quickly.

Okay, I guess the worst is over, Penny thought as she rinsed very thoroughly with the mouthwash and then spit it out into the paper cup. At least she could now tell Sheldon honestly that she had used the cup.

There was a hesitant tap on the door, and then someone else approached, padding lightly across the floor. She felt a soft touch against her cheek, and the scent of curry mixed with Aramis wafted toward her. She almost smiled to herself as she figured out who it was: Raj. His fingers brushed the nape of her neck as he leaned in to gently claim her lips. Not bad, she thought, even though he was a little timid for her tastes. He opened his mouth a bit too much, considering she wasn't about to do the same, but the kiss could have been a lot worse. He drew back before she did and then left.

Penny's hands began to shake as she picked up the bottle of mouthwash. As much as she tried to tell herself she was being silly, the knowledge that Sheldon would be entering the room next made her nervous. She heard him enter. He walked forward a few steps and then stopped.

She turned her head toward the sound. "I know it's you," she said softly. He took a few steps closer. "Look, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. No one has to know; I'll just tell them you gave me a peck on the cheek-" She halted abruptly as she felt a hand smooth over her hair, then make a second pass, delving deeper until his fingers stroked along her scalp and cradled the nape of her neck. Insanely, Penny's heart sped up as she breathed in the scent of laundry detergent and whiteboard markers. Without further ado, she leaned forward fractionally, and his mouth met hers. His lips were tight, and he made no attempt to do anything other than complete the physical connection. Somehow, that caused Penny to want it to be something more. After all, she was certain it was his first kiss. So she teased at his lips with hers, caressing with just the slightest hint of pressure. She felt him his mouth become more yielding and pliable. She would have never heard the faint catch in his breathing if he hadn't been just inches away from her.

At his involuntary sound, he pulled away hastily. Penny's neck felt cold at the sudden loss of heat from his hand. As he walked away, she heard him say very quietly under his breath, "Oh, Newton."

A smile curved her mouth. She knew him well enough to understand that this was his version of swearing. Unconsciously, her tongue traced the outline of where his lips had touched hers, and she knew that he had felt that mysterious, unexpected spark between them too.

After taking a few minutes to compose herself, Penny sauntered out into the living room where three men sat eagerly awaiting her decision while the fourth was pointedly not looking at her.

She gathered up the cash from the coffee table with a grin. "Easiest money I ever made… and if you have anything to add to that, Howard, I swear to God, I will castrate you."

Howard gulped and closed his mouth on whatever lewd comment he'd been about to make.

"Well?" Leonard asked anxiously.

"Yes, tell us, who is the Don Juan de Marco of our group?" Raj asked.

 _Yeah, figures he saw that movie_ , Penny thought wryly. Aloud, she teased, "You know, I was blindfolded. How can I say which one of you was the best kisser when I don't know who was who?"

"All you have to do is choose bachelor number one, two or three," Howard said with a watered-down leer.

"What about Sheldon?" she asked innocently. She glanced over to where he was already setting up his precious video game.

"Pfft. He doesn't count. Did he even go through with it?" Howard asked derisively.

Another quick glance immediately showed Penny that while Sheldon was pretending to ignore all of them, his posture was rigid and his movements were jerky.

"Does a kiss on the cheek count?" she replied blandly.

"Only if you're my _Nani_ ," Raj scoffed.

"Okay, so if I had to choose between the three of you…" Penny began and then paused dramatically. After what the guys had put her through, she felt justified in tormenting them a little. Then she thought of the money in her hand and relented.

"I guess if I'm going by technique, I would have to choose bachelor number three," she announced. Raj whooped, jumped up and began to do some bizarre Bollywood-style dance. Leonard gave her a pouty, hurt look, while Howard favored her with a sleazy smile and said, "It was worth every penny, _Penny_."

She rolled her eyes at that and declared, "No rematches, boys; my decision is final."

Sheldon huffed. "Now that we've gotten that ludicrous nonsense over with, it's time for gaming. I will brook no more excuses."

The five of them took their usual seats around the living room. Penny sat on the leather couch between Sheldon and Leonard, watched "her boys" play Metroid while fantasizing about new designer shoes, and then kicked all their asses in Mario Kart. At precisely 9:45pm, Sheldon announced that it was time for everyone to go home because it was almost his bedtime. Under the pretext of throwing away empty pizza boxes, Penny maneuvered until she and Sheldon were standing by themselves in the kitchen. He eyed her curiously as she leaned close.

"If I was going by how the guy made me feel… I'd pick bachelor number four," she whispered in his ear.

He twitched and then stared at her wide-eyed.

"Good night, Sheldon... guys. Pleasant dreams," she added casually with a meaningful look at Sheldon, who hadn't moved an inch. She winked at him and walked out with a little added sway to her hips.

Feeling suddenly weak, Sheldon leaned on the kitchen counter for support. "Oh, dear Lord," he breathed. In Penny's parlance, he had just discovered he had a "deal".


End file.
